onlybabygrey: fatbastard

I have to get back to my inner life. That secret place of intimacy with God through Christ. I do not know how or when it happened, but I have been removed from it and began replacingit with ACTIVITY� and there the root of bitterness sprang and now I wonder how I have endangered others. My spiritual life is very weird right now.

I lack joy.
Church has become my primary source of stress.
I neither feel completely in place or at home at church.
I envy those that love their church and what they do for the Lord.
I wish I could do what I love too.

Writing this makes me want to cry right now, but if I start I may never finish the entry. Let me get to the point. Almost everthing I have done at said place of worship has been because I felt pressure from leadership and in an effort not to disappoint or "look bad" (e.g. Lazy, unconcerned) I have said "yes" to many things I would have rather said "no" to. I have tried to be humble and respond to a need (the famous saying goes, "Find a need and fill it."). Deep down, however, there is no love in my heart for it.

I feel like an awkward adolescent again - running a trial and error on various types of ministerial work, trying to figure out what Iapos;m good at. Where I belong. I feel like a lost child. I feel like people want to reach out and help me but donapos;t know how. And I donapos;t know HOW to help them help me either. At once I donapos;t want their help but I do. I cry alone at home when no one is around. Hot heavy tears that stick like glue to my cheeks and chin. I lower my head in grief and donapos;t even have the words to pray before God. My tears are my prayers. My wails are my song.

But I also dance in secret. I daydream about it. I hear a song and almost immediately envision choreography. Whatapos;s that about Jesus? What is that about? In those moments I remember these things.